Totally addicted to you…..

The brain in love is a brain on drugs.

I mean it.  When you fall for someone your brain releases dopamine (among other chemicals) which is the same chemical that is released when someone takes cocaine.  We are thought to be wired this way in order to get us ‘hooked’ on our new mate and feel so crappy when we are not with them (due to a drop in serotonin) that we keep seeking them out…survival of the species and all.

The problem comes when you are ‘hooked’ on someone and that someone is not ‘hooked’ on you.  Or, they are ‘hooked’ but are unavailable for a relationship (married, interstate, workaholic, addict..or someone who just doesn’t have what it takes to form a healthy stable relationship).

Emotional reasoning is where we use our feelings to determine what is ‘true.’  When we get hooked on someone, we use our intense feelings for them to convince ourselves to disregard reality and believe that they are “the one”, our “soulmate”, it is “meant to be” and that we won’t ever feel like this about anyone else (also known as overgeneralisation).  It is the combo of the intense feelings of love highs and come downs/withdrawals, plus these unhelpful thinking styles that make people stay hung up on someone far longer then is sensible.

There are also certain types of relationship behaviours which are likely to perpetuate the addiction.  Intermittent reinforcement refers to a process by which behaviours are rewarded (i.e. you get what you want) part of the time.  Scientific studies have found that if you learned that getting what you wanted was unpredictable, even when the rewards stop completely, you tend to keep engaging in that behaviour for longer then if you had previously gotten what you wanted every time. Think about a pokie machine: the pokie machine pays out only occasionally, however, gamblers will keep feeding money into it for a long time in the hope it will pay out again. If the pokie machine was set to pay every time, and then stopped paying all of a sudden, the gamblers who had previously been using it would give up more quickly.  

This means you are likely to remain addicted to someone who was not 100% there when you were dating.  A guy who was responsive and reliable is not as likely to elicit as long of a withdrawal as someone who was ambivalent – who would only occasionally be available and responsive and at other times would turn away or turn against you.

So what do you do if you are unhelpfully addicted?

Try to eliminate all contact for the time being.  Having another ‘hit’ of your favourite drug will just lead to the same old come down and withdrawal the next day/week. 

When you get the urge to look him up or contact him:

1) Remind yourself that your brain is just in withdrawal and the feelings will pass

2) Have a list ready to look at of all the reasons the relationship didn’t work out and another of all the things you are looking for in a relationship

3) Remind yourself that in these situations decisions should be made on the outcomes that you want, rather then how you feel (because your brain is on drugs at the moment…see point 1)

4) Act compassionately and lovingly towards yourself.  Be gentle, don’t get mad with your urges or your feelings, they are natural.  Be loving, remind yourself that you are worth a relationship with someone who is able to love you in the way you want to be loved.

5) Get distracted.  Call a friend, watch a movie, go for a run…the busier you get at that time, the less you’ll notice the uncomfortable feelings of withdrawal and the less you’ll be prone to giving into the urge for contact.

When will I know I am not addicted anymore?

There is no real rule of thumb here. Essentially, you know you are over it when you can see him and not feel much and also don’t have the urge to contact him when you part again.  This often happens when you are in love with someone else.  However, it can also happen if enough time has passed that you are no longer hopeful things will work out or viewing anything he does as a genuine sign that it could work. 

Managing Dating Shame

We have all done something we feel was really stupid in the dating world and beat ourselves up for it. We drank too much and did things we regret.  We spoke too much or too little.  We didn’t say or do the right thing.  We made ourselves vulnerable, showed our romantic interest, and then felt it wasn’t reciprocated. In a classic example, a client described a slip whereby she accidentally referred to her date as her boyfriend in front of him.  This relationship status was by no means established and so in the days that followed she felt certain that his lack of contact was because of her error.

Enter Shame….

Shame to me is that wash of hot or coldness over your body; the feeling of your heart in your throat; your breath stopping; your stomach sinking; the ‘cringe moment’; the feeling that makes you want to hide your head in your hands, or disappear.

Shame is experienced slightly differently by everyone, but the feeling of shame is driven in everyone by their limbic system.  The limbic system is the part of your brain towards the back of your head that is designed to protect you from danger.  It produces the chemicals of adrenalin and cortisol that gives you the anxiety and stress responses to help you either fight the danger or run away.  The limbic system is involved in shame because shame occurs upon encountering the ‘danger’ of social rejection.  Social rejection was a real danger for early mankind because we are pack animals, with few abilities to survive in the wild by ourselves.  

So the scenario goes… you do something you feel is stupid/bad/unlovable… your amygdala releases chemicals that give you a physiological response which we will learn to identify as shame and you worry about how others view you, while you beat yourself up.  Then…

In contrast to guilt, shame is a very demotivating emotion.  We often feel like hiding, withdrawing and silencing ourselves in response to it, also known as moving away.  Other unhelpful ways to deal with shame are to move towards others in an appeasing and people pleasing way.  This is unhelpful because it traps us in a cycle of thinking the only way we are loveable is to be perfect and work hard to make others like us.  The final unhelpful way of responding to shame is to move against others by trying to gain power over others, be aggressive, shaming them to fight shame.  This is what motivates bitchiness and meanness.  For example, one of my girlfriends described breaking up with a guy in the nicest way she could, by telling him that she had fun but that felt that they were too different.  She was stunned when in response he got super angry and said that he DIDN’T have fun, he was only trying to help her because she had emotional problems and ‘serious issues’!!

So what is a HELPFUL response to shame?

1. Identify when you are in shame.  Learn how your body responds in shame so you an pick it when it happens.

2. Take time out.  Do not talk, text or type during shame if possible.  You can often give a knee jerk response that you will regret later (moving against) or will perpetuate your low self esteem (moving towards).

3. Soothe.  Lower your physiological arousal.  You can do this through slow breathing or gentle self touch (eg.  cuddling, rocking, stroking yourself like you would comfort a baby).  Slow breathing regulates your adrenalin and cortisol levels again and gentle touch stimulates the feel-good chemicals of endorphins and oxytocin.  

4. Common humanity.  Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and feels shame (even the guy you are dating!).  Remind yourself that you are human and no different from all those other humans that you love and admire.

5. Be kind. Replace your self critical thoughts with kind thoughts… the sorts of things you would say to a friend or a small child if they came to you feeling bad.  Being real and believable is important to make the kindness stick, so acknowledge any mistakes… but without the name calling and sneering at yourself.  For example: “It was a small slip calling him my boyfriend, lots of people could have made the mistake when put on the spot, it doesn’t mean I am stupid or desperate…” Or “It feels bad that she doesn’t want to date me anymore, but it doesn’t mean I am worthless, just that we are looking for different things.  Most people experience this at some time in their life”

6. Share.  Shame loves secrecy (hence the moving away response).  As soon as possible ‘confess’ your shameful scenario to someone you know will give you the validation and empathy you need.  Remember to select your audience carefully:  The only thing shame loves more then secrecy is judgement!

Good luck!  Let me know how it works for you!

Shame and Dating

Yes, we are hitting the hard topics today ladies:

SHAME

• Shame is that feeling you get when someone asks you “why are you single?”
• Shame is what causes you to avoid online or formalised dating channels or deny you are online dating.
• Shame is that feeling that happens when he doesn’t call… And even though you weren’t that into him, you are still upset.
• Shame causes you to tell your friends (if untruthfully) that you are not interested in a relationship
• Shame causes you to have that second or third date and ‘give it a chance’ when you really imagined meeting someone with so much more…

Shame is the feeling that you are unlovable.

Shame is universal but one of the most debilitating emotions because we don’t talk about shame.  As such, we feel alone in our unlovability and like we really truly ARE flawed and hopeless.

When we experience shame we do whatever we can to appease, please and perfect… To fit in, to ‘be cool’…To change ourselves into a more ‘loveable’ version of us. Not only is this hard work and inauthentic, it is unsustainable and perpetuates our experiences of shame, low self esteem and anxiety in the long term.

At best we ‘put on a good front’ to get the guy, only to feel anxious and fraudulent… If he only knew the ‘real me’ he wouldn’t choose me.

At worst we become hamstrung by our shame and remove ourselves from dating and miss out on the important life experience of romantic love.  Some people say that because we are biologically wired to attach (through oxytocin), people who don’t ever experience romantic love can never truly be fulfilled.

So what do we do about shame?

Well, the good news is EVERYONE is unlovable… A little bit…. Ask any long term happy couple and they’ll tell you with affection about their partners flaws.

The good news is that love, in the real, felt sense, is not the pursuit of the ideal. Love is a tool, a series of biological reactions in your brain that generates the feelings and motivation to help you overcome the difficulties.  When you find someone who is open and ready to fall in love, he won’t mind that you are carrying an extra few kgs; that your joke landed flat; or that you haven’t achieved everything you wanted to by now. He will love you in your glorious imperfection and hopefully be patient while you struggle to do the same!

Embarrassment –
Something that is fleeting, eventually funny and very normal.

Guilt –
When you feel you have behaved badly. Guilt is often is a positive motivator of change.

Shame –
When you feel you are bad, unlovable and not good enough for connection. Shame does not motivate change, encourages hopelessness, depression and avoidance.

Humiliation –
When we feel someone has unfairly or undeservedly treated us badly. Humiliation can often turn to shame when it is repeated (you eventually believe it).

The Dating Baddies

The above emotions, based on Bene Brown’s analysis, occur commonly in individuals who struggle with dating.  However it is useful to be able to distinguish what emotion you are feeling specifically, if you are hoping to learn how to feel better while dating.  

Dating Examples

Embarrassment : “OMG I can’t believe I had parsley stuck in my teeth that whole date!”
Guilt: “Eeek, I’m running half an hour late to meet my date” 
Shame: “I’m so dumb, there is no way she/he would want to go out with me”
Humiliation: “I can’t believe he/she treated me like that in front of his/her friends!”

The ambiguity of dating

Psychological research suggests that people who are prone to anxiety and depression are most likely to struggle with ambiguity.

In the face of ambiguous situations, those who are anxious or depressed tend to think the worst and most threatening interpretations of the events. Unfortunately dating is a minefield of ambiguity and the threat of rejection is all too real for some Singlettes:

“Why didn’t he call?”
“Is he dating other people?”
“Does he really like me?”
“What should I do in this situation?”

We have all either had, or heard someone express these anxieties. In the most distressed of Singlettes, thoughts like these can become obsessive and interrupt their ability to concentrate on other things. Rather then living their own wonderful lives, these Singlettes respond to these thoughts by stalking their dates online; compulsively checking their phones, emails, Facebook and dating accounts; and stressing their friendships by unrelentingly seeking reassurance- asking versions of “What do you think he means by this text?!”

Unfortunately, with technology infiltrating the dating world, ambiguity is becoming even more pronounced. Communicating in written form be it via text message or email reduces the amount of cues you can use to glean an accurate interpretation of someone’s true feelings or intent. The advent of internet dating has increased everyone’s access to new dates and therefore, (for both good and bad) made dating multiple people easier and the sorts of relationships you can form more varied. Social media such as Facebook also allows for access to ambiguous information about your dates that you would otherwise have been protected from until you developed more security and trust in the relationship.

Modern dating technologies also allow for ‘minimal-effort’ dating. I would imagine that in the old days, if a suitor took the time to saddle his horse and visit with your family in order to ‘call on’ you, there was little mistaking his intent. Surely no one who wasn’t interested would put in so much effort! Now, texts and emails are so easily sent that little effort needs be applied and therefore the meaning of that effort can be ambiguous. Men and women who are ambivalent about dating someone can string the relationship along as it requires relatively little time. Compared to the discomfort of ending the dating relationship, many people prefer this ‘minimal effort’, ‘fade away’ option over clean unambiguous endings and closures.

So how do our lovely Singlettes navigate such a dating landscape?

1. Notice worst-case thinking and learn to generate alternatives

Every time you catch yourself feeling bad about a dating scenario, ask yourself:

Do I really KNOW that my interpretation of this situation is right?
Do I have any evidence AGAINST this interpretation of the events?
What are three other explanations that could explain this event?

2. Minimise ambiguity

– Call or meet up in person rather then text or email.

– Ask to meet an internet date sooner rather then later.

– Make what you are looking for in a relationship clear both on your internet profile as well as in what you say about yourself on dates. Remember, if you do want a serious relationship, hiding the truth and trying to play it ‘cool’ is a BAD strategy. It will only scare off people who want what you really want, and keep interested the unsuitables.

– And Facebook… DO not add your date as a Facebook friend until you have a very well-established relationship. Until you have the sort of bond where you feel comfortable asking him about anything on his Facebook page that makes you are unsure about, it is too soon to be Facebook friends. Similarly, if things don’t work out, agree to delete each other as friends. This can be a temporary measure if desired, but it is important to minimise any temptation to check.

3. Minimise checking and reassurance seeking

a) Set strict rules for yourself around when to check your phone and email

e.g. I’ll only check my phone/email if I hear a message come in
OR I’ll check my phone/email twice a day

b) Notice the urge to stalk him on the internet. Many of the below questions may help talk you out of it:

Do I really want to be learning about him this way? What if I learn something bad and then feel stuck asking about it because he’ll know I was checking up on him?
Is this how I want to spend my time, if he asked me what I did today, would I want to say ‘stalk you’… or something else?
What happened last time I did this? Did it really make me feel better/more secure in the relationship?
From my own experience, is what is on the internet about me a TRUE representation of what is going on in my world? Often we are very selective about what is in the public realm and therefore any information gleaned is likely to be skewed or inaccurate

c) Do not ask the people around you to interpret anything for you. They know even less about the guy then you do!

Yes, you might respect their advice, but their advice can only be based on their experiences and ideas. Your situation and theirs is as different as comparing that of Romeo and Juliet to Brad and Ange’s. In fact, any similarities you might find are likely to be purely random!

You will find that everyone will have good intentions when trying to offer advice. However, the information you gain from various sources will likely contradict itself and just leave you confused. Alternatively, if you persist in asking for advice in the face of getting consistent answers, then you might need to think about whether you are in denial.

4. Communicate!

Part of forming a healthy relationship is learning how to talk with each other about your needs and feelings. If you have doubts or questions try to be brave and speak about them as soon as possible. Doing so in a vulnerable, non-accusatory way will not scare off the right sort of partner. Make sure you use “I” language, rather then “you” language and BE SPECIFIC.

eg. “I feel deflated when you say you want to meet up with me on the weekend and then I don’t hear from you until Sunday night”

rather than: “You never follow through!”

5. If all else fails use the guideline… If there is any doubt, the answer is NO.

The above statement is not strictly true. However, some people find it preferable to feel they have certain closure around a relationship then to be kept in limbo about it. It might be that if trying the above strategies doesn’t work to calm your anxiety then this isn’t the relationship for you. Perhaps given your own relationship history or personal vulnerabilities, this guy is just not capable of giving you the consistent feedback and attention you need. If you have tried talking about what you need to no avail, then rather then trying to repress your needs and feelings, ending the relationship may be the more self-caring option.

Singlette Enjoy Thyself!

Even if you would prefer to be in a relationship, you can still enjoy your single time.
It might sound unbelievable, many of you may have been feeling bad about being single for quite some time. Many are over-ready to be in a relationship. However, I’m sure in those moments where you get distracted, where you forget that you are alone, you too have had some fun times.

What we focus on we enhance. It is one of the main principles of hypnosis. And I have met so many ladies who are so focused on being and feeling alone, so engaged in unhappy-single-self-hypnosis, that they forget-to-remember that there are other great aspects to their life. That they have other great connections and have had other fabulous achievements and experiences. Similarly, ladies that become caught up in a dating frenzy, make dating their whole world and can lose perspective on who they are outside of this.

Try this thought experiment:

Imagine I were clairvoyant and were to tell you that this would be your last month as a single girl FOREVER. After this month, you will meet the man of your dreams and have the joys and the responsibilities of a partner. You will have to compromise; share; check-in; come home… What would you do this month? How would you savour it?

Feel stuck? – Ask one of your married friends what they miss about being single!