Rule number 1: Available men only!

So, I find myself in unusual turf.  After many years of criticising ‘The Rules’ I find myself writing a ‘rule’!

I don’t believe in inauthentic dating: following a system in order to artificially enhance your attractiveness will only potentially land you a partner who is not suited to you.

I do believe that we are all worth partners who love us as we are and make us their priority. Unconditional love and feeling safe that you come first to your partner is the fundamental cornerstone of secure attachment.

This brings us to the one and only rule I have for you: If you truly want to be in a relationship, date available men only!

Whether it be situational (at this time only) or characterlogical (more who he is as a person) you need to end the relationship or stop dating him if he is unavailable.

Why?  Because there are so many beautiful men out there who are available!  He is NOT special, and you are NOT soulmates or uniquely made for each other.  You have a brain on drugs! … and if you continue to delude yourself into waiting for him, then you are wasting valuable months and years depriving yourself of the love that you deserve.  

I’d even go so far as to say that you need to take a good look at your own attachment patterns and see whether you really feel like you are “good enough” to be loved. If you find yourself always attracted to unavailable men, or use rationales as being ‘very busy’ yourself or wanting your ‘freedom’ then consider that the issue maybe deeper than the dates you pick. 

Oh, and before you ask, ending it means NO CONTACT.  Measuring all the new fabulous guys you meet up against your fantasy of what your relationship with this unavailable man might become is a waste of everybody’s time. No matter how many months pass, I guarantee that with permission, and assuming the connection was strong enough, HE WILL LOOK YOU UP if he becomes more available for a relationship in the future.  You don’t need to ‘lay by’ him or stay in his inbox to ensure he doesn’t forget how fabulous you are!

So, who falls into the category of ‘UNAVAILABLE’?

He is unavailable if:

1.He is in a relationship or marriage– no matter how dysfunctional he says it is or how many years they have been sleeping in separate bedrooms.  If he still has regular contact with his ex (and especially if he is living with her still!) he is in a relationship.  This doesn’t mean that you can’t date him at some point in the future but try:

“I really enjoy hanging out with you and I’d love to get to know you better.  However, I only want to spend my time with men who are truly available.  When your relationship comes to more of a conclusion, please get in touch.”

2. He spends a lot of his time interstate or overseas  – if you can’t have face-to-face, eye-to-eye, in person contact with him at least once or twice a week then he is unavailable. I would go so far as to say that if he is away more that 25% of the time, he is unavailable.

We all love the excitement and fantasy of ‘holiday romances’.  It is easy to assume the best about people and get caught in delusions of how things could be when you have a partner who is not often there in person. However, being in a partnership is all about being there ‘through good times and bad’, being able to rely on your partner to be there when needed for the exciting as well as the mundane. Your partner can’t do this if they aren’t there.

What usually happens in these cases is that you end up relying on yourself and your social network to get your needs met.  Any time you share with your partner is treated as ‘special’ and you won’t want to bring up the difficulties you are having or share true intimacy (i.e. tell him about the ‘bad’ stuff) as you won’t want to ruin the special time you have together.

Please keep in mind that if your partner is overseas/interstate or ‘away’ a lot, he is CHOOSING SOMETHING ELSE OVER YOU!  No matter how nice he is or how perfect you feel he’d be if/when he moves near you or his travel schedule changes, this says he is NOT in the market for a secure relationship.  It could be that he is just not available for a relationship at this time, or it could be that he will always prioritise other things like his career over his relationships. Try:

“I’d love the opportunity to see where this goes, but with you being overseas/interstate/travelling so much we won’t have that.  I need someone who is willing to prioritise developing a genuine relationship with me.  But please do get in contact when you move here/things change!”

3. He puts something/someone else consistently before you – Whether he is an alcoholic, drug addict, workaholic, overly involved with his family/kids, training for a triathlon, or just really into his dog!… If he consistently prioritises something else over you then he is unavailable.

Give him a chance by saying: “I feel like if it is a choice between spending time with me and (visiting your mother/hanging out with your work friends/training/walking the dog/taking coke) you always choose the later.  I deserve someone who wants to be with me, not who feels that they ‘should’ spend time with me or who treats me as the ‘nag’ or ‘handbrake.’  So, unless you feel that you can willingly make me a priority I don’t want to pursue this relationship.” 

If he makes excuses, says you are being unreasonable or says he will, but never does (actions and words need to match!) then you need to leave the relationship.

4. He doesn’t pursue you – No matter how attracted you are to him, or how right you think you are for each other, if a man doesn’t put in at least 50% of the effort to organise your catch-ups, he is unavailable.  Sure, he might be socially anxious, depressed, overwhelmed with uni or work. He might even express how into you he is and how much he enjoys seeing you!  However, when men are interested in someone romantically they pursue them. So, once again actions and words have to match up. Try:

“I’d be really interested in seeing you again, how about you let me know when you are free?”…and then wait to see if he walks through the door you have opened.

Alternatively, you might be telling yourself that if he just hangs out with you more he will become more attracted. In this case you are selling yourself short.  If you have anything more than friendship feelings for him then don’t torture yourself with hope when there are tons of men who would trip over themselves for the chance to date you! Why satisfy yourself with the crumbs of one man’s attention when you could have all the love and attention you deserve from another? 

Don’t believe me?  Then maybe you need to do some work on your self-esteem and examine your own sense of shame and lovability. Go on, I promise it won’t hurt too much and it will certainly be worth it in the long run! 

 

Don’t be a delusional dater!

“I thought he’d change his mind”

“He SAID I was special”

“But he seemed like such a sweetheart, I can’t believe he did that to me!”

I couldn’t count the amount of times I’ve heard something like this. Mostly from very smart, worldly women! No matter who you are and how much experience you have had dating, you can save yourself a lot of time and heartache if you understand the following basic dating principles:

1. Other people are different to you

We all operate from our own frame of reference and we tend to assume other people are more similar to us then they actually are. However, other people do not necessarily feel the way you feel, think the way you think, or want the things you want. This is not because they are ‘men!’ (insert contemptuous tone here), it’s because they are not you.

This may sound basic but our expectations are driven by what we each consider normal and we are vulnerable to taking these things for granted.  For example you might assume that most people who are your age are looking for something long term because you are. You might think that because you don’t have the time to date multiple people your partner doesn’t also. You might take for granted that because you would never expose your partner to sexual health risks they wouldn’t expose you to them.  Or, you might assume that because you met his family he must be serious about you, because you wouldn’t let just anyone meet your family.

Don’t leave important expectations and boundaries unconfirmed.  The conversation may begin awkwardly, but if you are really on the same page it will bring you closer together, if not…better you know now!

2. Actions and words have to match up

Many people will tell you one thing but their behaviour will indicate differently.  This is not generally because they are bad people, but people can delude themselves. Sometimes what we think we want and who we think we are is not representative of how we live our lives in reality.

What is more, this sort of delusion can be contagious! Out of a willingness to think the best of someone and a hopefulness that the relationship will work out, you too can pretend to ignore these discrepancies! Be observant and date smart. Don’t become the “girlfriend” of a guy who says he is ready for a relationship, when you feel you are always being put second place to work, friends or other commitments.  Or, don’t keep seeing a guy who says he can’t commit to a relationship just because he keeps pursuing you and seems really interested and caring towards you.

3. Know what you want and assess for it early.

When you begin dating you have a window of opportunity to assess for similar values and desires. For most people, the longer they hang out with someone, the more attached they get and the more vulnerable they are to the love drugs that will interfere with rational decision making.

I’m not saying that you have to lay it out in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone.  But don’t ignore what people say and how they treat you. Don’t go to bed with someone without clarifying what it means to them and for the relationship, and, if you have been out with someone more then a few times without actually talking about what is happening, wake up!   All good relationships require good communication around difficult subjects so if you can’t bring yourself to raise this issue now, it is not a good sign for the success of this relationship long term!

4. Let respect rule

Do not go in to a relationship with the hope that you will change someone or someone’s mind, it is rude.  Equally, respect yourself and your own preferences and don’t mould yourself into what you think your date will like. Finally, assess how your date respects the areas in which you are different to him, does he criticise you? try to change you or convince you that his way is better?

Of course we are more attracted to people who are more similar to us, but in every relationship there will be differences. The key to a good relationship is picking someone whose differences you can live with.

To tinder or not to tinder? – that is the question!

So, I have been asked about Tinder. Most of you will have heard of it, but if you tend to live in a technological hole like I do, Tinder is a dating app. It links to your Facebook account and then, based on 5 pictures, mutual friends and shared interests you get to ‘like’ or ‘nope’ the guys who come up within your age/location search criteria. If you like him and he likes you you get a match and then get to message each other.

I’ve played with this over the last week and my first impressions are as follows:

Positives

This app is really good if you are a singlette with the following thoughts:

“I’m not attractive enough”
Given that Tinder mainly bases matching on photos, the guys who like you are finding you attractive! And trust me, you will have plenty of matches – so it’s a great self esteem boost and something you can remind yourself of whenever that nasty thought comes up. Please do keep in mind that this app is designed for least-effort dating, so just like the guys are doing, you’ll need to go through a bunch of different profiles and like a bunch of people before you start getting matches… It’s quite addictive so just go with it and don’t think too much when you are ‘liking’ or ‘noping’… remember, you don’t have to marry these guys and, as described below, more then likely nothing will come of it.

“Meeting men and dating is too hard”
Ok, so I don’t count Tinder as dating really, but if you have been burnt by the effort involved in meeting new guys, the ease of this app will be refreshing for you. There is really little required of you and you will find it surprisingly easy to get into the ‘liking’ and ‘noping’ zone and make matches. It could be a good ‘warm up’ if you aren’t quite ready to do more involved forms of online dating.

“There are no single guys left/ all the good ones are taken”
It is virtually impossible to get through all the guys on Tinder (yes, I tried!). So, if nothing else it shows you how false and unhelpful the ‘man drought’ idea is. Now, I’m not suggesting that all the guys on Tinder ARE actually available or ‘good ones’, in fact, I’d hesitate a guess that a high proportion of them are on there for an ego boost and for the excitement of flirting with new girls. However, if you keep that in mind and don’t expect anything more, both the quantity and attractiveness of guys on Tinder will help you challenge this unhelpful thought.

Negatives

As I wrote in my post The End of Courtship? there can be pitfalls in dating with modern technology. The lack of vulnerability and lack of investment required makes it more likely that you will meet guys online who are ambivalent about meeting a partner or actually unavailable, and also more likely that the contact you make won’t go anywhere. 

Tinder is least-effort dating. The guys who ‘like’ you put in about 2 seconds thought into making that decision. They don’t know anything about you really and you are one of a bizillion girls they have ‘liked’ and ‘noped’ that day. This is Ok, because it is also what will be happening on your end too! However, because this is the case, have reasonable expectations. If you start messaging try using one of two strategies

a) The ego boost strategy – give yourself permission to use the app to flirt with hot guys and feel excited by this, but don’t expect it to go anywhere.

b) The ‘let’s see what they are made of’ strategy – rather then engage in inane flirtation, cut to the chase. Ask them the questions about themselves that you feel are important for you and, sooner rather then later, ask them if they are actually interested in a relationship and meeting up for a coffee, or just using the app for fun. Something like: “Hey, I know a lot of people use this app just for fun. I’m actually interested in meeting someone to have a relationship with, are you as well? If not, that is cool, I’d just prefer to know now”. If they say they want a relationship then, as with other forms of internet dating, suggest you meet in person. It is the only real way to tell if a guy is genuine and if you have enough in common with him.

I would also imagine that Tinder is probably going to be one of the most common ways ‘players’ try to get booty calls or begin sexting. So, if you are not interested in something casual, please protect yourself. Suggesting coffee, not responding to late-night messages, having a friendly more then flirty tone will help you filter out the guys who only want to get off. If a guy starts messaging you in a way that is overtly sexual and you feel uncomfortable with, give him a warning “Hey, I’m not that sort of girl and you saying that makes me uncomfortable” and block him if necessary. Don’t be surprised if you are getting all flirty and suggestive if he responds in kind! after all, what is a guy to do?!

What creates the ‘click’

Ever wondered why some times you just ‘click’ with someone and other times the date just feels ‘off’, you don’t warm to the guy, or feel like you have much connection?

John and Julie Gottman are well renowned couples therapists and researchers, almost single-handedly responsible for most of the scientific reasearch on what makes a successful relationship. Although they mainly study established relationships, knowing what makes for a good relationship can be VERY useful for singles!

Usually when you don’t ‘click’ with someone it is to do with a failure of attachment. We are all wired to attach to other humans. Attaching well (called ‘secure’ attachment) requires certain qualities in your interactions.

Conceptualise every time we relate to someone as a bid for attention: every text; every facebook post; every call or email; every glance or smile; every question or statement. How the other person responds to that bid for attention will determine how secure, comfortable and validated we feel, and thus how much we ‘click’ with that person.

In response to a bid for attention, there are three possible reactions:

1. Turning towards:
“Oh look! Bon Jovi is coming on tour!”
“That’s great hon, he is your favourite right? we should get tickets!”

2. Turning away:
“Oh look! Bon Jovi is coming on tour!”
“(distractedly) Huh? … (continues to watch TV and doesn’t engage)…”

3. Turning against:
“Oh look! Bon Jovi is coming on tour!”
“You are such a loser! Bon Jovi is an old man, it just shows how boring you have become that you even care about him!”

If you look at happy couples or, in our case, good dates, you will be turning towards your partner (and he to you) in a 5:1 ratio. This means that we don’t have to be perfect, but we DO have to be very wary of advice to ‘play it cool’ or any bad habits we have developed in using teasing/criticism to ease our anxiety in a dating situation.

So ladies, test it out for yourselves! Sit in a cafe and eavesdrop in on some couples, looking for turning towards, turning away and turning against. Notice these styles in your dates responses to you. And trust yourself! Don’t criticise yourself as ‘oversensitive’ if you start to feel uneasy if he doesn’t respond to your texts- your feelings are your hardwired responses and a great source of information about how things are going! Don’t settle, we ALL deserve to feel happy and good in our relationships!

But remember, to give him the best chance of correcting any bad habits he has developed or bad dating rules he is following, it’s always good to tell him what you need from him first rather then just dump him cold. Giving the warning “I need you to respond to my texts if you still want to see me” – isn’t that hard is it?

What if I don’t want to kiss him?

Thanks to one of my favourite singlettes who raised this very common question:

“Tell me – if you don’t want to respond to a guy’s advances in a kissing sense, by the second or third date, but you do enjoy hanging out with them, does that mean that you aren’t really attracted to them? … Should I not go on more dates with them?”

I believe we all bring all sorts of variation into each and every dating encounter we have. Our experience of any one date is influenced by all sorts of factors including: our relationship history; our stress/wellness levels and current emotional state; our personality; our expectations – what you think you “should” do or feel at a certain time. Then double all this variation, because his position on all these things will also influence your experience! As such it is unwise to follow ANY hard and fast rules when it comes to dating.

So, if there are no rules, how do you decide if it is right for you?

Well if rules, that come from the head, are unreliable in this scenario (I mean, it’s not a math equation!)… we have to listen to something else… our feelings!

So what if you are listening to your feelings and, as in the above example, they say you like hanging out with this guy but aren’t feeling sexual about him yet? Great! That would be a good hint to keep hanging out with him but don’t be sexual yet!

Lots of ladies will get worried about losing his interest if they don’t move according to his timeframe, or else, get anxious about getting criticised for being a ‘cock tease’. My response to this is: if your date is much more highly sexed then you, does not respect you enough to respect your comfort levels, or, his automatic response is to criticise you when he feels let down- this is very good information!! Do you really want a partner who either has a drastically mis-matched libido to you, has to have things done on his timeframe regardless of how you feel, or who resorts to criticism when he feels put out?!

How to do this practically? Be honest, uncritical, non-defensive and remember, you do not need to give excuses- as much as our brains may struggle to understand, there may be no rational reason for you to feel like this! Keep him in touch with where you are at:

“I really love hanging out with you but I’m not feeling ready to be sexual with you right now”
“You are great company, I’m just not feeling it in that way tonight”
“I love how much you desire me, unfortunately I’m taking a longer time to warm up in that way at the moment”
“This has been great, I’d be keen to try (insert what you are curious about), if you are!”

When should I contact him?

Hello again ladies!

One of the things I am always asked is ‘When should I contact him?’.

As in my post about the SMH article: ‘Are the rules redundant?’, my general advice is to contact him when you feel like it.

If you are excited about connecting with him, showing him that he is on your mind is not a bad thing, it is flattering! At worst, he will give you the impression that he doesn’t want to have contact as much as you do. If this lack of availability or disinterest continues, then this is VERY good information for you. It may mean he wants something much less intense then you do. In this case, it is better you know sooner so you don’t waste your time playing games to sustain a relationship that is going to be essentially unfulfilling for you.

HOWEVER, there are a lot of lovely ladies out there who are aware that their need for contact with their guy comes from an anxious or needy place rather then an excited, assertive place. They do not feel like contacting their guys but feel like ridding themselves of uncomfortable feelings. These ladies generally have an anxious attachment style (see my post Attachment styles and dating) and will tend towards obsessing about their dates; trying to edit what they say and do and how they behave around a guy so as to appear more desirable; being overly self critical and perfectionistic; and seeking reassurance from their date/friends/dating books and blogs like this one!

You CAN drive a more secure guy away if you give in to tendencies to seek contact to soothe your anxiety or other uncomfortable emotions. It also won’t be good for you in the long term because even if your guy is very responsive, you will begin to rely on contact and responsiveness from him to make yourself feel secure, rather then developing healthy emotional independence.

Functional Analytic Psychology (FAP) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) conceptualises motivation for behaviour as either Appetitive (moving towards something) or Aversive (moving away from something). The theory is that if you allow yourself to be motivated by appetitive drives, you will find yourself more fulfilled and more able to sustain your behaviour then if you are constantly running from aversive stimuli.

It is important to understand that the same behaviour can be either aversively or appetitively motivated depending on the context and feelings around the behaviour. For example, if I am buying fresh fruit and veggies, this behaviour could be about moving away from thoughts that “I am fat” and feelings of shame and self loathing. However, it could also be about moving towards thoughts about “I want to take care of my body and be healthy” and feelings of satisfaction and nourishment. Another example would be the behaviour to stay back at work. This could be about moving away from feelings of anxiety and worry about missing a deadline. Alternatively it could be about moving towards feelings of curiosity and satisfaction and not being able to wait to see the finished product.

So, applying this now to dating. Have a think about some of the thoughts and feelings that would render contacting your guy a ‘moving away’ behaviour or alternatively, a ‘moving towards’ one. Below are some examples:

‘Moving away’ or Aversively motivated contact:

• fuelled by feelings of anxiety and insecurity
• wanting to know what he is doing (moving away from jealousy)
• wanting to see if he will respond to you (moving away from fear of rejection/abandonment)
• wanting to present a certain ‘image’ (moving away from beliefs about how unlovable you really are and fear of rejection)
• making a ‘valid’ excuse to contact (moving away from beliefs that you shouldn’t seem interested or want connection (for fear of rejection) and therefore need to disguise your interest)
• because your friend/family has told you to contact him (moving away from friend’s disapproval or your own lack of confidence which caused you to seek their advice in the first place)
• because you don’t want to hurt his feelings (moving away from guilt)
• because you are worried about being single and not meeting anyone (moving away from fear of isolation)

‘Moving toward’ or Appetitively motivated contact:

I would say as a general rule, that if you contact your guy in the same way you would one of your closest friends then you are on the right ‘moving towards’ track…for example:

• feelings of excitement, curiosity, attraction, interest
• wanting to hear how his day/week has been going
• genuinely wanting to hear his opinion about something
• wanting to share what has been going on in your world with him
• wanting to invite him to something because you couldn’t imagine enjoying it more with someone else
• wanting to give him some information that you think will be useful to him

Please keep in mind that it is not realistic to not have any of the anxieties or thoughts that would fuel the ‘moving away’ behaviour.  These come with part of being human and our universal need for love and belonging.  I’m more pointing out that if you ask yourself: “Am I moving away from something or moving towards something by seeking contact with him right now?” and the answer is a resounding moving away, then stop, call a friend or try to distract yourself until the discomfort passes and contact him when you are feeling calmer and more confident.

Managing Dating Shame

We have all done something we feel was really stupid in the dating world and beat ourselves up for it. We drank too much and did things we regret.  We spoke too much or too little.  We didn’t say or do the right thing.  We made ourselves vulnerable, showed our romantic interest, and then felt it wasn’t reciprocated. In a classic example, a client described a slip whereby she accidentally referred to her date as her boyfriend in front of him.  This relationship status was by no means established and so in the days that followed she felt certain that his lack of contact was because of her error.

Enter Shame….

Shame to me is that wash of hot or coldness over your body; the feeling of your heart in your throat; your breath stopping; your stomach sinking; the ‘cringe moment’; the feeling that makes you want to hide your head in your hands, or disappear.

Shame is experienced slightly differently by everyone, but the feeling of shame is driven in everyone by their limbic system.  The limbic system is the part of your brain towards the back of your head that is designed to protect you from danger.  It produces the chemicals of adrenalin and cortisol that gives you the anxiety and stress responses to help you either fight the danger or run away.  The limbic system is involved in shame because shame occurs upon encountering the ‘danger’ of social rejection.  Social rejection was a real danger for early mankind because we are pack animals, with few abilities to survive in the wild by ourselves.  

So the scenario goes… you do something you feel is stupid/bad/unlovable… your amygdala releases chemicals that give you a physiological response which we will learn to identify as shame and you worry about how others view you, while you beat yourself up.  Then…

In contrast to guilt, shame is a very demotivating emotion.  We often feel like hiding, withdrawing and silencing ourselves in response to it, also known as moving away.  Other unhelpful ways to deal with shame are to move towards others in an appeasing and people pleasing way.  This is unhelpful because it traps us in a cycle of thinking the only way we are loveable is to be perfect and work hard to make others like us.  The final unhelpful way of responding to shame is to move against others by trying to gain power over others, be aggressive, shaming them to fight shame.  This is what motivates bitchiness and meanness.  For example, one of my girlfriends described breaking up with a guy in the nicest way she could, by telling him that she had fun but that felt that they were too different.  She was stunned when in response he got super angry and said that he DIDN’T have fun, he was only trying to help her because she had emotional problems and ‘serious issues’!!

So what is a HELPFUL response to shame?

1. Identify when you are in shame.  Learn how your body responds in shame so you an pick it when it happens.

2. Take time out.  Do not talk, text or type during shame if possible.  You can often give a knee jerk response that you will regret later (moving against) or will perpetuate your low self esteem (moving towards).

3. Soothe.  Lower your physiological arousal.  You can do this through slow breathing or gentle self touch (eg.  cuddling, rocking, stroking yourself like you would comfort a baby).  Slow breathing regulates your adrenalin and cortisol levels again and gentle touch stimulates the feel-good chemicals of endorphins and oxytocin.  

4. Common humanity.  Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and feels shame (even the guy you are dating!).  Remind yourself that you are human and no different from all those other humans that you love and admire.

5. Be kind. Replace your self critical thoughts with kind thoughts… the sorts of things you would say to a friend or a small child if they came to you feeling bad.  Being real and believable is important to make the kindness stick, so acknowledge any mistakes… but without the name calling and sneering at yourself.  For example: “It was a small slip calling him my boyfriend, lots of people could have made the mistake when put on the spot, it doesn’t mean I am stupid or desperate…” Or “It feels bad that she doesn’t want to date me anymore, but it doesn’t mean I am worthless, just that we are looking for different things.  Most people experience this at some time in their life”

6. Share.  Shame loves secrecy (hence the moving away response).  As soon as possible ‘confess’ your shameful scenario to someone you know will give you the validation and empathy you need.  Remember to select your audience carefully:  The only thing shame loves more then secrecy is judgement!

Good luck!  Let me know how it works for you!

Are the rules redundant? SMH article

This article is about the author, Annabel Ross’s experience with a new dating app ‘Happy Rabbit’ released by RSVP. The Happy Rabbit app gives advice on how to proceed in the dating game based on the data you enter. This data, including who initiated contact; what form was the contact (text/email/call); the perceived emotional tone of the contact (flirty/normal/cold)? etc, allows the computer programme to give advice on your next move in the dating process.

Annabel states she tried the app to address her very normal anxieties around dating:

How long to wait before replying to a text message? Am I always supposed to wait for him to text me first? Am I allowed to ask him out, or do I have to wait to be asked? Is there any merit to these stupid rules anyway?

To my mind MOST PEOPLE experience some of this sort of anxiety when dating. This is because the fear of rejection is one of the most universal of fears. Both men and women experience it (not just women as suggested in the article, and as my male clients will attest to!).

‘The rules‘, the famous book written by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, as well as apps like the Happy Rabbit give people experiencing rejection anxiety a sense of structure which may go somewhat to alleviate their anxiety. If it’s written in a famous book, or a computer tells me to, it must be right- right? WRONG! In my opinion it is a FALSE sense of certainty that this structure offers, and comes at a great cost.

When Annabel canvassed her friends’ opinions on what she should do in a particular dating scenario she got many different responses:

No way, said one. Wait for him to call you. If he doesn’t, he’s just not that into you.
Definitely call him, said another – what have you got to lose?
Ross, the rules are that there are no rules, said a third. Everyone’s different and should be treated accordingly.

I tend to agree with the last friend. No book or app can correctly predict and advise on your unique circumstances, just like no friend can. You are seeking reassurance that you are doing it ‘right’, to get certainty, when in this part of life, there is no ‘right’ or ‘certain’, as referred to in my post The Ambiguity of Dating. As such, any relief you will get from such reassurance seeking will be temporary at best and likely to prolong your insecurity long term.

Any sort of dating rules are designed to make you look or play it ‘cool.’ When we analyse what that means, essentially we are aiming at not being vulnerable. If I ‘play it cool,’ then you can’t tell I’m really interested/ really anxious about your impression of me/ could be emotionally affected by what happens between us. I feel safer then, because if things go badly between us, I feel like I haven’t exposed myself too much. However, that does not mean that if it doesn’t work out, I don’t feel equal amounts of disappointment as compared to someone who had exposed themselves. Maintaining one’s pride or ‘saving face’ is generally a ‘cold comfort’ given the feelings will be there whether you expose yourself or not!

To paraphrase Bene Brown, an inspirational researcher in the field of shame and vulnerability, the cost of ‘playing it cool’ is vulnerability, authenticity and eventually intimacy. Why do we date at all to not develop intimacy?!? And how can you develop true intimacy without opening yourself up to vulnerability and allowing yourself to be authentic.

To practicalise this idea , just think of the impression you would get:

a) if your date was using this app to space out their natural eagerness to contact you and ‘play it cool’. How would their coolness effect your behaviour and feelings about them? Wouldn’t you also become more anxious and more likely to ‘play it cool’ yourself? How then would the relationship develop into something more intense and intimate? My hunch would be that it would be more prone to fizzling and only grow when someone was willing to take a risk and show more eagerness then the other to ‘get the ball rolling’…

b) what if you found out after you had been dating a while that your date had been using this app to play with you? Wouldn’t you feel a bit…well played?

In summary, my view is that you should let your authentic feelings and reactions to any unique date and dating situation provide your guidelines for you. If you feel keen, show it. If you feel cool or ambivalent, show it. This way you are likely to filter more effectively the people who are best matched to you. Only a person who wants a less intense relationship, or is equally as ambivalent about you as you are them, will be attracted to your lack of intensity. Faking it, only opens you up to attracting the wrong types of dates!

Finally remember: SHOWING SOMEONE THAT YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THEM IS NOT SHAMEFUL OR A WEAKNESS! At worst they will be flattered but not reciprocate. Think about how you would react if the shoe was on the other foot. How little you would think about someone’s unwanted interest in a week,… a month,… a year? Yet, if you ARE interested back, think of how encouraging it would be to feel they too are interested… Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

The link to the article is:

Are the rules redundant?.

If you are interested in listening to Bene Brown on shame and vulnerability the link to a great webinar is:
http://www.soundstrue.com/weeklywisdom/?source=podcast&p=7273&category=IATE&version=full&loc=weeklywisdom

The ambiguity of dating

Psychological research suggests that people who are prone to anxiety and depression are most likely to struggle with ambiguity.

In the face of ambiguous situations, those who are anxious or depressed tend to think the worst and most threatening interpretations of the events. Unfortunately dating is a minefield of ambiguity and the threat of rejection is all too real for some Singlettes:

“Why didn’t he call?”
“Is he dating other people?”
“Does he really like me?”
“What should I do in this situation?”

We have all either had, or heard someone express these anxieties. In the most distressed of Singlettes, thoughts like these can become obsessive and interrupt their ability to concentrate on other things. Rather then living their own wonderful lives, these Singlettes respond to these thoughts by stalking their dates online; compulsively checking their phones, emails, Facebook and dating accounts; and stressing their friendships by unrelentingly seeking reassurance- asking versions of “What do you think he means by this text?!”

Unfortunately, with technology infiltrating the dating world, ambiguity is becoming even more pronounced. Communicating in written form be it via text message or email reduces the amount of cues you can use to glean an accurate interpretation of someone’s true feelings or intent. The advent of internet dating has increased everyone’s access to new dates and therefore, (for both good and bad) made dating multiple people easier and the sorts of relationships you can form more varied. Social media such as Facebook also allows for access to ambiguous information about your dates that you would otherwise have been protected from until you developed more security and trust in the relationship.

Modern dating technologies also allow for ‘minimal-effort’ dating. I would imagine that in the old days, if a suitor took the time to saddle his horse and visit with your family in order to ‘call on’ you, there was little mistaking his intent. Surely no one who wasn’t interested would put in so much effort! Now, texts and emails are so easily sent that little effort needs be applied and therefore the meaning of that effort can be ambiguous. Men and women who are ambivalent about dating someone can string the relationship along as it requires relatively little time. Compared to the discomfort of ending the dating relationship, many people prefer this ‘minimal effort’, ‘fade away’ option over clean unambiguous endings and closures.

So how do our lovely Singlettes navigate such a dating landscape?

1. Notice worst-case thinking and learn to generate alternatives

Every time you catch yourself feeling bad about a dating scenario, ask yourself:

Do I really KNOW that my interpretation of this situation is right?
Do I have any evidence AGAINST this interpretation of the events?
What are three other explanations that could explain this event?

2. Minimise ambiguity

– Call or meet up in person rather then text or email.

– Ask to meet an internet date sooner rather then later.

– Make what you are looking for in a relationship clear both on your internet profile as well as in what you say about yourself on dates. Remember, if you do want a serious relationship, hiding the truth and trying to play it ‘cool’ is a BAD strategy. It will only scare off people who want what you really want, and keep interested the unsuitables.

– And Facebook… DO not add your date as a Facebook friend until you have a very well-established relationship. Until you have the sort of bond where you feel comfortable asking him about anything on his Facebook page that makes you are unsure about, it is too soon to be Facebook friends. Similarly, if things don’t work out, agree to delete each other as friends. This can be a temporary measure if desired, but it is important to minimise any temptation to check.

3. Minimise checking and reassurance seeking

a) Set strict rules for yourself around when to check your phone and email

e.g. I’ll only check my phone/email if I hear a message come in
OR I’ll check my phone/email twice a day

b) Notice the urge to stalk him on the internet. Many of the below questions may help talk you out of it:

Do I really want to be learning about him this way? What if I learn something bad and then feel stuck asking about it because he’ll know I was checking up on him?
Is this how I want to spend my time, if he asked me what I did today, would I want to say ‘stalk you’… or something else?
What happened last time I did this? Did it really make me feel better/more secure in the relationship?
From my own experience, is what is on the internet about me a TRUE representation of what is going on in my world? Often we are very selective about what is in the public realm and therefore any information gleaned is likely to be skewed or inaccurate

c) Do not ask the people around you to interpret anything for you. They know even less about the guy then you do!

Yes, you might respect their advice, but their advice can only be based on their experiences and ideas. Your situation and theirs is as different as comparing that of Romeo and Juliet to Brad and Ange’s. In fact, any similarities you might find are likely to be purely random!

You will find that everyone will have good intentions when trying to offer advice. However, the information you gain from various sources will likely contradict itself and just leave you confused. Alternatively, if you persist in asking for advice in the face of getting consistent answers, then you might need to think about whether you are in denial.

4. Communicate!

Part of forming a healthy relationship is learning how to talk with each other about your needs and feelings. If you have doubts or questions try to be brave and speak about them as soon as possible. Doing so in a vulnerable, non-accusatory way will not scare off the right sort of partner. Make sure you use “I” language, rather then “you” language and BE SPECIFIC.

eg. “I feel deflated when you say you want to meet up with me on the weekend and then I don’t hear from you until Sunday night”

rather than: “You never follow through!”

5. If all else fails use the guideline… If there is any doubt, the answer is NO.

The above statement is not strictly true. However, some people find it preferable to feel they have certain closure around a relationship then to be kept in limbo about it. It might be that if trying the above strategies doesn’t work to calm your anxiety then this isn’t the relationship for you. Perhaps given your own relationship history or personal vulnerabilities, this guy is just not capable of giving you the consistent feedback and attention you need. If you have tried talking about what you need to no avail, then rather then trying to repress your needs and feelings, ending the relationship may be the more self-caring option.

Three Second Rule

Go out a lot, but just don’t seem to get any male attention?

‘Maybe I’m just not pretty enough?’ I hear you say…

NO! That just does not make sense! I mean think about it… are you and your friends always attracted to the same guys?

Each of us are attractive to, and attracted to, different types… evolution encourages diversification of the gene pool in this way, so we don’t run the risk of dying out as a species…there has to be someone out there that thinks you are a hottie!

Usually I find if you ARE going out but not meeting anyone, it has to do with your interactional style.

Specifically, LACK OF EYE CONTACT!

Men are people too and filled with the same anxieties as you Singlettes. Yet, a lot of you will expect that just because you are out in a bar with your friends, that should be enough of an indication that you are available and want to meet someone…

NEWS FLASH! You have to show signs that you are open! Sustained or repeated eye contact is the best, least intrusive, and least scary way to do that!

Don’t believe me? Check out this great advice from a guy with a lot of experience in the dating world. His rule of thumb? If a girl makes eye contact for three seconds, you’re in!

Three Second Rule.